I suggest you move along, nothing good to see here folks. I just need to vent because I can’t scream at the actual people involved. I’ve filled my make my mother cry quota for the year.

Dear Brother,

It would have take you 5 minutes to help me. If you didn’t want to help all you had to do was say no. I might not have liked it but I would have accepted it. Don’t just ignore the question and then leave. At least I scream and rant and don’t do this passive-agressive bullshit most of the time. That shit was heavy but I managed to move it by MYSELF anyway. Thanks for nothing.

Dear Mother,

You knew I was in the throes of serious PMS (and still am) so you thought it would be a good idea to eat my freaking Cheet*s? All of them? What the hell woman? You are lactose intolerant, find some other snack to steal when I have hormonal issues. It was the puff kind anyway and you like the regular ones. Now instead of sitting here with the AC cranked down to 62 and eating cheesey goodness for breakfast I am bitching at the internet. I still love you but leave my goddamned cheet*s alone when I have PMS. It’s the only time I buy them. Or at least let me know so I can buy 2 bags. Better yet, start eating real food again.

Dear Father,

Quit eating that shit, you know better. I know I suck because I sneak baby spinache into the salad I force you to eat but I am trying to counteract all the crap you have been sneaking. Don’t skip the vegetables and get seconds of the meat. I have to make things that cook slowly because I am not here at meal time, that doesn’t mean eat fast food instead. Imagine how I feel? I cook the damned food and leave before it is ready. That means I either don’t get any or I don’t get any until it has been cold for 2 or more hours. I miss out so you get a hot meal. Just eat right and check your fucking sugar. I love you and want to keep you healthy.

Dear P,

Thanks for being such a good boy. You make it all better. Sorry I am such a craptastic mom most of the time.

I just love it when someone who doesn’t have kids, doesn’t ever plan to have kids, and/or despises kids rants about someone Else’s parenting. I will admit I am far from perfect and there are some really bad parents but unless you plan to pop out what some of you (I’m sure in a loving tone of voice) call a “crotch loaf” and prove what a fucking parenting wizard you would be shut the fuck up.

Don’t bitch because someone isn’t spanking their (what you have deemed) brat for screaming in the OMGWTF!!! I’M TRYING TO SHOP AND THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME AND MY NEED TO NOT BE BOTHERED BY YOUR LITTLE CROTCH DROPPING!!! grocery store. If you are the one with the fucking problem then maybe YOU should leave. If I had left every time P had a meltdown when he was a baby/ young toddler we would have starved to death. Believe me when I say I was way more embarrassed than it seemed and I would have loved to shop without the screaming. If it annoying you from 2 aisles over imagine having front row seats. Shopping cart=P’s version of red kryptonite. Not every screaming child is just being a brat and while I agree it is slightly more annoying than a relaxing massage to listen to, Get over it.

If you are somewhere that is not “kid friendly” or “kid oriented” or WTF ever and OMG someone has to bring a child there for whatever reason it isn’t your job to be a jackass and sigh and roll your eyes and OMG WTF. Shit happens and sometimes a parent has to bring a toddler to a doctors appointment, accountants office, insurance agency….From someone who has had their feet up in stirrups while praying their toddler isn’t traumatized by anything he sees or impaled by a medical device, why yes I would love to be able to have a painful and somewhat embarrassing procedure done without my child, are you volunteering to babysit? Exactly, so bite me you judgmental assmonkey.

May the fleas from a thousand camels infest you crotch and your arms shrink 15 inches.

I am so sick of everyone thinking that every person that is from the south is a racist redneck asshole!!  I know that there are asshats within a 5 mile radius of me right now who are the most horrible bigots you would ever want to encounter. But there are some really wonderful, caring, empathetic people in that same 5 miles. I wish that more people would look past the stereotypical portrayal of the south and see that there are people with this g*ne with the wind accent that are just as open-minded as anyone else. End rant back to regularly scheduled programming all that good crap.